I don’t know where this post will go but I just feel the need to share my thoughts.
I feel very homesick these past days. I am crying a lot and my only thought is how I would love to be at home, my home in Germany. How much I miss my mom’s and dad’s hugs and my goofy sisters. How much I miss school and seeing my girls every day. How much I even miss even my teachers and our fun lessons. Oh no, there are the tears again.
I am waking up with a headache every morning and a bit later my tummy starts hurting. Everything is just so exhausting. I feel like I am not doing my very best for my two little girls. That I don’t put enough effort in to make them feel good and have fun and like being with me. I know they do but still. And I feel like I am so negative and complaining all the time. I don’t want to be like this.
To be honest, I never knew how it would feel like when you suffer from homesickness. It’s a weird feeling and I think everyone experiences it differently. Like I said before, I feel very sick, with headache and tummy ache. I had those two things at home as well, mostly when I was scared, thinking too much or when I was stressed. And I think that’s the case now as well.
I want to do everything right. I think too much. I am too negative.
Probably the most important thing during this time is to talk with someone about it and do things that will make you feel good and proud of yourself, even though it can be so hard. Believe me, for me it’s so hard getting out of my shell and do things. Everyone told me to meet other Au-Pairs and that this is the only way to get better and I know it is but they forget how hard it can be. How difficult.
These past days I often asked myself, why I am doing this year. Today, probably three times. 90% of my thoughts were that I want to be at home right now. You have no idea how bad I feel right now. I feel so ungrateful. Unfair.
What helps me is to distract myself. I am working on my blog but not in my room but in the living room, where my host mom is working as well. I think it’s important to have company even though you’re not talking. Just the feeling you’re not alone. I asked another aupair if she wants to go get a coffee with me WITHOUT thinking too much. Just did it. I finally decided to join an Italian language course. I am meeting the teacher on Friday and have a little pre-talk with her. I am super scared about it but I feel relieved that everything is working out now.
I really hope I’ll feel better soon. Enjoying my time here, be happy to be here and grateful for it and positive. I mean, I am here to overcome all the fears which make my tummy and head hurt. I am here to be more independent, to live in the moment, to enjoy life, to experience the Canadian lifestyle and meet new friends.
Okay, I am sorry. This post is SO random but I just felt the need to write something. To get my thoughts out in this world. I don’t want to be negative and ungrateful and I don’t want you to think that I complain all the time. I am just a mess right now and maybe writing about it and sharing my feelings will help. Maybe someone out there is feeling the same. Maybe it will even show them that they’re not alone with these thoughts, fears etc. I feel the same. Believe me. We’ll do it. I promise.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?