THOUGHTS: Why I am happy, why I am sad

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As some of you might know, my Au-Pair stay here in Canada is almost over. Tomorrow my family is coming and this event has always been the one where I thought ‘wow, when they are coming to visit me, then I will be almost back home’. That makes me happy but at the same time also sad.

First of all, I am a nervous wrack at the moment because somehow, the thought of my family traveling without me, scares me a little bit and the what if‘s keep popping up in my mind. But that is another topic.

What I wanted to explain is why I am feeling happy about going home but at the same time, imagining me being back in my little village makes me also sad.

Let’s start with the sad side of the story.

I think I am scared I didn’t try out everything, didn’t get out of my comfort zone enough, haven’t been the adventures me I wanted to be, didn’t spend and enjoy enough time with my host family, and of course I am asking myself when I’ll see all the people, I’ve met here, again. That is a little bit scary and makes me want to enjoy these last 2 1/2 months even more.

I am also a little bit anxious going back home because here, I was living in a new environment, with new people, another culture. I met people which went through the same experience as I did and I was kind of free with creating a new life, a new me. But now, when I go back home, there will be the same people, the same environment like ten months ago. Almost none of them have experienced the same as I did and I am scared that everything will go back to my daily life from ten months ago way to quickly. Maybe it’s a silly thought but I am thinking about this a lot at the moment.

Also, I will go to university and deciding for the right study course is harder than imagined and I just don’t know what I want to do with my life and where I see myself yet. And oh my gosh, I will be missing our dog.

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But at the same time I am happy that I am going back home soon and being able to tell that I did it. That I experienced my dream of being an Au-Pair.

I am excited to sleep in my ‘own’ bed, meet my granny and grandpa again, sitting in my beloved garden and especially that I will be so much less scared of doing things, which I was scared of ten months ago, just because I had to do them here all the time. I am excited that people back home will hopefully notice how I’ve changed. I am excited to be creative with my own room again and that when I am out at night and come back home, I don’t have to be super duper quiet. I am excited to have movie nights with my sisters again, watching German trash TV.

I know, some of the reasons are so so so silly and probably not as important to you as they are to me but while being here, I realized all these things and that I miss them. Thought, at the moment, I can’t imagine myself at home, if that makes sense. I can’t imagine not being here. My host dad said, that this is normal because I’ve just been living here or at home and I think I will need these 2 1/2 months to imagine myself in my German bed again and that is good, I think. I need these months to say goodbye and to prepare myself for Germany.

The reason why I am writing this, is because I wanted to let you know, that the question ‘If I am happy to go back home’ isn’t that easy to answer and that it is okay to be happy but at the same time to be sad. There can’t be always one extreme and that is totally fine, in my opinion.

xo, Franziska

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