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As some of you might know, my Au-Pair stay here in Canada is almost over. Tomorrow my family is coming and this event has always been the one where I thought ‘wow, when they are coming to visit me, then I will be almost back home’. That makes me happy but at the same time also sad.

First of all, I am a nervous wrack at the moment because somehow, the thought of my family traveling without me, scares me a little bit and the what if‘s keep popping up in my mind. But that is another topic.

What I wanted to explain is why I am feeling happy about going home but at the same time, imagining me being back in my little village makes me also sad.

Let’s start with the sad side of the story.

I think I am scared I didn’t try out everything, didn’t get out of my comfort zone enough, haven’t been the adventures me I wanted to be, didn’t spend and enjoy enough time with my host family, and of course I am asking myself when I’ll see all the people, I’ve met here, again. That is a little bit scary and makes me want to enjoy these last 2 1/2 months even more.

I am also a little bit anxious going back home because here, I was living in a new environment, with new people, another culture. I met people which went through the same experience as I did and I was kind of free with creating a new life, a new me. But now, when I go back home, there will be the same people, the same environment like ten months ago. Almost none of them have experienced the same as I did and I am scared that everything will go back to my daily life from ten months ago way to quickly. Maybe it’s a silly thought but I am thinking about this a lot at the moment.

Also, I will go to university and deciding for the right study course is harder than imagined and I just don’t know what I want to do with my life and where I see myself yet. And oh my gosh, I will be missing our dog.

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But at the same time I am happy that I am going back home soon and being able to tell that I did it. That I experienced my dream of being an Au-Pair.

I am excited to sleep in my ‘own’ bed, meet my granny and grandpa again, sitting in my beloved garden and especially that I will be so much less scared of doing things, which I was scared of ten months ago, just because I had to do them here all the time. I am excited that people back home will hopefully notice how I’ve changed. I am excited to be creative with my own room again and that when I am out at night and come back home, I don’t have to be super duper quiet. I am excited to have movie nights with my sisters again, watching German trash TV.

I know, some of the reasons are so so so silly and probably not as important to you as they are to me but while being here, I realized all these things and that I miss them. Thought, at the moment, I can’t imagine myself at home, if that makes sense. I can’t imagine not being here. My host dad said, that this is normal because I’ve just been living here or at home and I think I will need these 2 1/2 months to imagine myself in my German bed again and that is good, I think. I need these months to say goodbye and to prepare myself for Germany.

The reason why I am writing this, is because I wanted to let you know, that the question ‘If I am happy to go back home’ isn’t that easy to answer and that it is okay to be happy but at the same time to be sad. There can’t be always one extreme and that is totally fine, in my opinion.

xo, Franziska

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7 replies on “THOUGHTS: Why I am happy, why I am sad

  1. So happy you wrote this blog post as I’m feeling quite the same at the moment. Hope you enjoy your last weeks.
    XX from London
    Ana
    P.S. so glad my friend told me about your blog, I think you know her pretty well. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My dearest!
    I understand how you feel – especially the part where you fear you haven’t experienced enough, weren’t as adventurous as you wanted yourself to be. But let me tell you, from what I’ve seen in the past months of you being an Au Pair, you couldn’t be any more adventurous or more brave than that! At least from my perspective. 🙂 Even going to another country for such a long time, being with people you hardly knew, having the responsibility for two adorable children, seeing parts of the world that are so very different from your home town… that is the bravest thing I can think of. You do not have to jump out of a plane to be an adventurous and strong woman, the past few months have proven that. 🙂 If you fear that your life is going to be the same as it was ten months ago – it won’t. You have changed and that will change the way you live your life in Germany. Everything is going to be alright. As you’ve shown us over the last year, you can do anything that you set your mind to. ❤
    Lots of love,
    Ida

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Ida. I don’t know what to say. I am so moved by your comment and you definitely made not only my day but my whole week.
      I wanted to say thank you again for always supporting me and my blog. For always commenting and for always being so lovely. That means so so so much ❤️ THANK YOU 💗
      I hope you are having a great day!
      You are for sure one of the nicest people I’ve ever met! Thank you so much again! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww, you’re so kind! 🙂 Thank you so much for those lovely words, they mean so much to me ❤ I feel like I've known you forever although we've never met ;D I'm always looking forward to your posts and somehow feel braver to do things I'm nervous about when I read about all those experiences you're making.
        Hope you have a wonderful weekend in that gorgeous country ❤
        Lots of love,
        Ida

        Liked by 1 person

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