What a weird post title, isn’t it? I mean, everyone knows, that the girl behind Books and Peonies is me. Franziska, the girl who enjoys reading, writing, plants and so much more.
Who really is Books and Peonies?
But the thing I’ve been asking myself a lot lately is if that is really me. If these things are the only ones which truly define me. I mean, who and what do I want to represent with my blog? What values do I want to bring across? How much of the real me do I want to share?
Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve been at a point lately where I thought about quitting the whole thing. The whole Instagram and sharing-my-life-with-everyone thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little community but sometimes I wonder how my life would be without all of it. Would it be the same? Would I be the same?
I have a very very good friend who doesn’t own a single social media account and I find her the most inspiring person I know. She is truly and fully living for her real life. Every time I see her, I appreciate the fact that she sees me without the whole social media thing. She doesn’t know which books, clothes or plants I bought or received until I tell her. And I love telling her.
Sometimes it is so weird when you are telling people about something and they are like ‘Yeah, I know, I already saw it on your Instagram’. Every time I hear something like that, I am a bit perplex because honestly I forget that also people I know in real life are included in my follower number. I appreciate it so much that they support me but after I realize that they know about my Instagram account, I wonder how they see me if they, for example, liked what I put on my story a few days ago.
I am totally aware that I am overthinking a lot but still, I am scared people make up their mind about me based on my Instagram before they even got to really know me. I am always scared that I have that certain influencer image, which I really truly don’t want to have. I want my people to see me and not the brands I work with or the number of followers I have.
I want them to know…
I want them to see the me whose life isn’t perfect at all. Whose Instagram perfect room is a total mess, 90% of the time. Who has doubts about herself and is insecure most of the time.
I want them to know that plants really, really, really make me happy and not only because everyone is getting into the trend at the moment. I want them to know that I’ve always loved books and reading but at the moment just don’t have enough time. I want them to know that I listen to music 90% of the time even though I am not talking about it.
I want them to know that I am an absolute Gilmore Girls fan, love romance and have been dreaming about the perfect guy for way too long. I want them to know that I love being at home, around my family, because these people just make me absolutely happy. I want them to know that I love running and doing yoga but that doesn’t mean I am motivated all the time and perfect at all these things.
I want them to know that I’ve never been the best at school but that I am okay and that I am trying my best. I want them to know that the sun and flowers make me absolutely happy but I also enjoy a good cozy, rainy day inside. I want them to know that I am a total people pleaser and want to do everything right all the time.
I want them to know that I am very hard on myself but that this is something we can all work on. I want them to know that one of my biggest fears is to disappoint people and that for the majority of my life I had very very bad anxiety and the worst migraine every single day. I want them to know that I am feeling good at the moment and love that the days are getting longer again.
I want them to know that my mom definitely inspired me to become a teacher but she hasn’t been the person who pushed me into it. Not at all. I want them to know that I’ve always been a creative person, that I love scrolling through Pinterest, making mood boards and imagining my future in pictures.
The point is, that I am so far away from being perfect. I totally am and something I never want to reach with my account is that people think my life looks like my pictures. It doesn’t. That is also why I am so open and honest about my skin problems. It is part of me and so far from perfect and I hope people know and understand that. I want to try being even more honest, try to share more of these moments and thoughts.
The problem with it is that you make yourself very very vulnerable and even though I know that most of you wouldn’t be mean or say something hurtful, I still have to protect myself. I take things personal very quickly and make up my mind about silly things way too often, which is also not ideal, if we are already talking about it.
I definitely reached the point in my little blogger life where I am asking myself what my purpose as a blogger is. Why I want people to follow me. And I think the main thing is to inspire them with realness. I want them to know that it is okay to not wear makeup all the time. I want them to know that even though you are eating healthy and moving your body, your skin doesn’t have to look perfect, which doesn’t mean I don’t want to change it. I hope someday I will.
And I decided for now that I won’t start doing YouTube. You might know that I have been playing with the thought for so many months now but I honestly think that this wouldn’t be me. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching YouTube videos so much but I don’t think I would be a good YouTuber. I know myself and I know that I would put way too much pressure on me and honestly, I don’t want another account where my brain automatically starts worrying about silly numbers.
Wow, there we are now, at the end, finally. I hope I could inspire at least some of you with my post. It definitely took me some time writing it but I feel good now. I had to get all these things off my chest and feel good and at peace now.
Have a good one 🙂